I started to write this piece about 3 months ago on Jan 11th. I now have the strength to share this piece and expand in a greater way. What was holding me back 3 months ago to share? Fear and judgment from others, now the fear has diminished. I was not ready to share openly to others that I opened up my grief stricken vulnerable widow heart to another man that was not my late husband, and I yet I did exactly that. Vastly different men too, yet I concluded my heart has the capacity to love them both. As I become more healed and feel more trust within me, I have the strength to share this side of me.
It took me years to feel like I could ever possibly love again. Love is quite the mystery as they say and it when it happens it just takes you by surprise. There are no words, for me its just been a sixth sense. An amazement, an energy that I do not believe can truly be researched. The love of God, my family, friends, the compassionate stranger, my late husband and daughter give me so much strength. I am blessed that I have been able to recognize and receive love. On the rollercoaster of grief and on the hard days those voices are minimal and I have to seek hard to remember.
Through my journey I have come across ones who I perceive are not able to trust the LOVE energy, its foreign so they run. They put up fences, walls around their hearts. We play past scenarios over in our brains. How does one then trust love? How do you trust something that you perceive has hurt you time and time again? Everything is a risk and all you can do is trust yourself. We do not know what the future holds. As I write this, until I am in that space again, I do not know if I will have a fence up or a wall or be vulnerable? My prayer is I will hopefully remain authentically me so that I do not miss out on another great love. I pray I have the strength to take the risk.
At the beginning, I struggled with opening up my vulnerable heart to be loved again and to love again. I was cautioned to heal first before dating and to others it may seem I did not follow their advice. At the onset of my new relationship, it was odd to be with someone else and yet feel like I was still my husband's wife. All around me I was being told, move on, he would want you to be happy. Reflecting back all of it is mental. I feel my new relationship was my catalyst to my healing and looking within to find me again and to find the trust within myself again. I do have many good hearted individuals who traveled with me to get to this point. Who heard my repeated story over and over and I thank all those individuals for their compassionate hearts.
Reflecting back, I can only wish I had this trust in me but I failed to have trust in me and therefore I failed to trust anything, anyone outside of me. My trust was lost with the unexpected death of my husband. Unfortunately, unconsciously, under a cloud of grief, I was not aware that it was my trust in me that was lost, until the healing work began and I went within to find answers that resonated with me. Not having trust with myself I questioned and sought answers high and low. I did not trust the love within me. I did not have the compassion that I needed for me. As I heal, I continue to find those lost pieces of me.
My current consciousness tells me any road traveled would have been painful. Meaning whether I dated or not dated. I could have healed first and put off dating, yet for me dating was the catalyst to me healing. Who is to say if I healed first that the outcome would have been any different? This new relationship came with a lot of triggers. Those triggers set off areas in me that were not healed. Had I not dated I still may not have known those areas were veiled to the healing. Just as a wound heals, you feel pain, all at the stuff has to come to the surface, same with grief. Had I not dated, there still would have been those areas that I believe would have been unhealed that only a new relationship would have shed light on those veiled areas.
What I learned in my new relationship, that the heart has the capacity to love and even greater than you can imagine. I understood my trigger points and with understanding I will be able to better communicate in the future. I understood that reassurance can only come from within. For me Death has now become a Real Door where before it was more of an illusion. I love my late husband and I know I have that love he shared with me to be shared with another. Its all about transferring the energy. He taught me about unconditional love. I am blessed to know what it feels like to be loved by a man who has commitment and relationship endurance I call it. I am blessed that he did not run at the first sign of trouble or hardship between us. He looked to God for strength and he looked within himself at the Love he carried within himself. I know I have that same love that I can someday share with the right person.
With all that I have learned about myself in this process I do not believe I would have it any other way. On my off days yes I cry, I get sad, frustrated, angry, why me?? I fell and I fell hard. Though I had not fully healed first before getting into another relationship. The love I had for myself and another gave me the strength to really dig deep to understand myself. I came to a place where to me Death was real. I no longer wanted to blame outside of myself. I just wanted to better me in this next relationship. Yet everything I was doing to fix me was appearing to work against me. The more enlightened I was becoming and healed the more the other person resisted. They did not want to heal from their past wounds. They did not want to do the work. The work is HARD, it feels like you are walking through fire.
I miss him and wish him healing. As all my family and friends wish healing for me. I wish healing for so many of us, especially those, who so many of us give up on easily. We give up on the ones who seem they are impossible to love and that they could never be healed. Yet do not a majority of us believe God is all possibilities? Why do we limit our thoughts? Lets raise our awareness and pray for God to do the impossible. Are there not areas in each of us, habits, that are hard to change? Heal those who cannot be healed. Take the Sauls and turn them into Pauls.