My Grievances

Grief has awaken me on so many levels and also numbed me as well. I already felt I had not seen the world as others do and now this just seems to set me apart even more. I keep wondering why am I to be challenged with a loss of our infant at birth and then a loss of a husband 2 years later 3 days before our beautiful daughter was born. Of course I will never get the answers and what good would the answers do, it can't bring either of them back.

I am aware of all my blessings so I keep moving forward. There are still many alternate situations in life that I would not want to be in. Though I have lost my Love in physical form, I have the memory of his committed Love that keeps me lifted. My husband has visited me in my dreams each month with an exception of a few months since his passing. I wonder some days how I am standing? My daughter is my saving grace that kept me grounded. It has been and continues to be hard, yet, I rise to the occasion to be the best parent I know how at the time. Death gives me a different lens all together, which also affects the way I parent now. Before I felt the world was infinite now I know is finite. The days that are difficult I am blessed to have family, friends, babysitters and beloved community to support me those days.

Most importantly is my faith in a higher power. In the face of so many trials my faith is continually put through the test. The tests are many and my prayers is God please have mercy and shed some Grace on this soul. In witnessing the light of God I feel the responsibility to endure the woes of life. I question God why do I need to fall to the pit for God to bring me the answers I am looking for in my life. I am often jealous of ones who fall to the pit and then somehow a miracle lifts them and directs their life. Since my husband's passing life has brought me other trials and I am often so close to the pit but I somehow manage to avoid the fall, I endure. There are thoughts that attack me but through meditation you learn to accept the thoughts by watching them and releasing them. I also reach out to friends and family as needed. I make myself accountable. What is hard though is friends and family really have no way of knowing what it is you are going through. There are certain ones that just have pure compassion and those are the easiest to spend time with, they don't require much back from you. They acknowledge the grief and tell you there is no timeline. Grief exhausts the individual, sadness overwhelms often times.

In my latter 20s, I was one of the first in my family to go through a divorce. That divorce grief was one of the hardest griefs of my life consumed with so much guilt and took me nearly a decade to get through the mental and emotional traps. That grief hurt me and I eventually had to make a promise to God that I will never go down that dark road again. The moment my husband was pronounced dead that Promise hit me like a rock and having a baby within me was probably the most challenging moments of my life. Through my husband's strong faith in God, that even in his physical absence, his strong character, will and purpose carries me daily. I have a very loving family and many friends who support me. Since my husband touched the lives of many, I have made so many new friends. People who did not have to be there for me showed up and that was a very humbling experience.

All around you see people have lost loved ones. To the ones that are enduring it, it feels never ending. Grief also is so individual and is something so personal and we each react so differently to our griefs. I am often lost in my own grief and the understanding of it that I realize that I am often blinded to understand another's grief. I am not sure there is much to understand but just to be present in the moment with the individual.

I now belong to all these groups having gone through a divorce, losing a baby, losing a spouse, being a single parent. Before going through these trials, I would of had a different thought on how I could support someone in a similar situation. Now having gone through it myself I know now that I would not have understood the complexities of grief, of being a single parent, and that I could not have comprehended the person's experience because I would not have a way to truly relate.

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